So, I do get pretty bitchy and cynical when I get pissed, especially when there's nowhere to direct the anger. A little wallowing is a good thing. Better than corking it up. Just noticed I start a lot of sentences with "so". But that's okay, just another part of me.
Another reason I started writing this blog
is so that I can put myself on black and white so that I can literally "see" who I am, and how I might be perceived by others. This is about self improvement by taking personal responsibility for making the changes necessary to improve the life I find so disappointing. I'm a disappointment, both to myself and others, and I'm tired of being that way. And the only person who can change that is me.
The difficult part of changing negative things about yourself is that often, you won't notice them. Or you'll lie to yourself about it, or make yourself a million excuses. I used to have very good reasons that my life was crap. Ten years ago, I carped a diem or two and made a very difficult decision. I had hooded my eyes to the state my life was in; I had stripped down to my birthday suit and splashed headfirst into Denial (it's not just a river in Egypt you know). Were it not for the honest words of a good friend, I probably would still be in the squalor I once inhabited. I don't feel like getting into the details of it at the moment, today has been crappy enough. Perhaps one day I'll bore you with the tale.
I made a quick U-turn and stomped the pedal to the floor. Literally. Since that day, I have always tried to be honest with myself about the problems in my life. I stopped the classic move of blaming your parents in my teens, but the rest of the picture wasn't quite clear yet. I've enjoyed the revelations I've as an adult reflecting on my childhood and teen years, and give myself a little credit for changing so much as a person. I'm often brutally critical of other people, but seriously, I'm a million times harder on myself. I know exactly where my faults lie, and get very angry with myself for them. I've got about zero self confidence, and I always expect myself to fail, fall short, or otherwise humiliate myself with how disappointing I am.
I do not entirely blame myself for this; as I mentioned previously, I am treated often with extreme cruelty by people I'm supposed to trust. Even people I just meet, despite my friendly smile and personable demeanor, will totally rebuff me after our first handshake. And I have a good handshake. And all of my moments of pride, joy or happiness in life have been quickly overshadowed by bad things. Sometimes they're really, really bad things. This has made me extremely self-critical. I don't even like to hang out with most people because I don't feel like feeling like the turd in the punch bowl. I don't like trying new things in front of people because if I do poorly, I get extremely frustrated. Especially if everyone else is doing well. I do enjoy learning to do new things, but in private. If I don't pick up a new skill quickly after repeated attempts, I immediately give up and refuse to try again, because I have no faith in myself to improve beyond that remedial point. I just assume.
But this school thing I know I'll be good at. I already have most of the skills they're going to teach me. I'm a computer nerd who is quite comfortable with using anything with a Microsoft label. I've been an office manager before and I run a tight ship. But, these days, you have to have a freaking Bachelor's Degree just to mop floors and scrub toilets. In the early 2000's, it was easy to snag one of these jobs, as most people were computer illiterate. Now, nobody will even give you the time of day unless you invest a good chunk of time and money into getting a piece of paper from a certified institution. So I have to get that overpriced piece of paper, or I'll never get anywhere. Which I think is just stupid. Because I already know this stuff like the back of my hand. But that's why I know I'll be good at it.
So, my "oh woe is me" time is over. I'm still deflated about the whole situation, and yes, I still blame myself for the whole thing. But I'm used to making everything my fault, because if I don't, someone else will. Might as well beat them to the punch.
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